not amused.

The empty coke cans littered my table like the bodies of flies, killed by an over zealous child armed with a flyswatter and energy.  What a great line, if I ever read it in a book I'll know one of you bastards used this.  I'll forgive you of course if you name a main character after me. 

I am bored to tears, except I am not crying, I'm just angry.  I am not a crier, I'm just angry.

Anger is an emotion that I've cuddled with for as long as I can remember.  Child like wonder and joy are the stuffed animals I can hold onto, though for how long is dependent on the extent of the anger brewing.

Witty?  Funny?  Nope.  Angry.  Sarcastic.  For one point in my life I was actually able to remove the blanket of anger and have nothing to be angry about.

Those were the most boring 5 months of my life I've ever spent and I live in SOUTH DAKOTA.  Thankfully, something popped up and my sarcasm came back, like slippers you put your feet into after a long night of wearing heels that look good but you might just have to display them while sitting at the bar cuz you sure ain't going to dance with them on.

I can not find joy in my children: playing hide and seek, though I just helped Diva with the most awesome spot to hide in; Baby Huey using his cheeks to crush the chips on the table so he wouldn't be eating them chipmunk style and loudly to boot, my husband trying to play with them and keep them occupied so I can blog which reminds me that not only am I super mega pissy, I'm now selfish, too.

I love my children 99.9% of the time, please do not think differently.  I'll find the chips hysterical and the fact that Diva used all my red China Glaze nail polish on her hands this morning to say her hands were bloody hysterical.  

I think that the fact that depression is the diagnosis is what throws people for a loop. You don't sleep for days on end, you're always clothed in clean clothes and you take a shower.  Right?  The answer is yes.  There are plenty of overly bored and sarcastic women out there, what makes you different?  What if they're depressed, too?

When you've been diagnosed, eventually you get to the point where you start to self reflect as to what (nature vs nurture) caused this, why whoever you have in you life acts the way they do which of course affects the way you do and how much of it really IS mom or dad's fault.

My hub calls it the Rabbit Hole, once you start searching, you start to fall and it's a helluva time pulling yourself out.

Am I a threat for self harm or harm to others?  No, sitting in mandatory group therapy  while they all try to come up with the 'correct' answer so that the group leader will let them go early is not my idea of a good time.  Neither is listening to the one idiot who babbles on about all these great wonderful concepts-it's all the BS they want us to say.  No, I'm not a threat.

But I am also not amused.

Still Clueless.

In the last month, there've been several instances where I knew a person was lying and yet, they did it anyway. 

At this point, if you are reading this and think it's about you, wipe your conscience.

The people that matter to me are the ones to whom I want to say, "I did the research, no, no it's not.  Please show me the portal into the magical universe that says, 'yes, yes indeed, it is'."

I also realized (some of you say way to late, I still prefer to be able to acknowledge the spade is in fact, a spade) that not everybody wants to hear the truth, they would prefer to believe what is good for their little world.

Example?  The townspeople tried to shush the little boy who could see that the Emperor wore no clothes.  Nobody before him would tell the Emperor the truth, they went along with his lie though everybody could certainly see that he was as naked as the day he was born.  They spoke about it in private, but nobody would tell the poor swindled man that he was a fool because they were afraid of his outrage.

Wait, I started writing this thinking that being to honest and saying what I had determined to be the truth based on the facts presented to me was wrong...

That example makes it sound like I should just speak the truth about a situation behind their back.

That's just ugly.

I'm confused as to how much truth is a good thing and where it crosses the line into being obnoxious.  I guess this year finding the line would be good.  Maybe finding people that don't want to lie straight out to me would be good, too.  

If you're reading this, Thank you.  I'm pretty sure you are not any of the above people, simply due to the fact that I have 8 followers (Thank you for reading my mental diarrhea) and I did not post this on face book, and even if a future post led you to this, you've already invested more time in our friendship/acquaintance than the ones I'm speaking of.

Terabithia

I put on the movie, The Bridge to Terabithia and the kids were transfixed and transformed.

Normally, Dana calls out she's so and so and Tristan says he's such and such and then they watch their character with rapt attention the whole way through. 

Today, I assigned Dana the character of Leslie as I didn't want her to identify with Janice.  Tristan got the part of Jess.  I would have told Ryan who he could be, but his character was a nice little sibling who just so happened to be a GIRL.

I told Dana that to have friends, she needs to be a friend, and I told Dana and Tristan both that yes, that's how bullies are.

Why did he have to wear his sister's shoes, mom?  Because they didn't have the money to get him NEW shoes, hon.

But why does?  Watch the movie, honey.

I also cried with Dana as Leslie's character died, as I told her this is what a reception after a funeral looks like, and cried some more when she asked why the rope broke.  

Yesterday-after making sure once again they knew who Jesus was and what he did for us-I read about 4 or 5 chapters of Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone.

The common theme is a child forced to live in squalor of some sort, who doesn't feel wanted, and then things happen that are better than their imaginations could expect.

They both find friends with similar enemies that help bond them together, and in the end, suffer loss and the promise of new beginnings.

Is it to far reaching to hope that this will help shape them better than ... star wars zombie killers will?

Don't answer.  Right now they are blissfully quiet, and I will happily find as many movies about friendship and love as I can if it keeps them that way.

Thank you for reading down this far, I really do appreciate it.
Love Aims

What is it that you actually *KNOW*?!?

For years in my teens I listened to a lot of different people as I decided what character traits I wanted from them to be the most wonderful me I could.  Which I promptly ignored.  I'm kidding.  I listened to a lot of things that people were telling me, their pearls or perils of wisdom, as it were, and in between each pearl, I also heard things that could neither be confirmed nor denied due to the fact that I had to work the truth out for myself.

Like most truther's, the further I dig, the further down the rabbit hole I get, and if I were to write this story; oh.  I think I would have to write under an assumed name because in one way shape or form, I'm related to half the damn state.

I will focus on the 'truths' that a particular person felt the need to tell me over the years, and how over the years her bitterness (unfortunately not kept to more than one person) has turned into a hybrid of hatred.  Now she is just spinning things that I myself told her into a slop suet of self hate.

I hear hurtful things from somebody who, given the circumstances, REALLY shouldn't talk like that.  I have to pause.  I call a relative to ask for further information and then she just laughs and sets everything right.

I find myself asking, what does this person have against me?!?  and then sighing and blessing it up to God.  (Dear Lord Jesus, please bless the people I'm thinking about, thank you.)

One day, 'The HELP' style, I will write a book.  If it sounds like you, or what you've done in the past, you might want to find somebody to apologize to.

Pictures are WAY easier than reading!

Dana out in the snow, my pretty prairie girl :)

David had the other nerf gun that night. 

Clay waiting to begin the next song.

I got this mom!

Tim making up dough for sugar cookies

Treezilla, the humongous beast Tristan picked out.

Tristan, my absent minded professor.

I think he was more excited to go out than I was.

Can I go?

I never get to go.

Ya got a spot right, HERE!!

Ron made friends with Nutjob.

Miranda after an Intense battle of Nerf guns.

So pretty.

Queen of  the sugar cookies.

Tristan wondering where his union rep was.  To be fair, she was so BOSSY!  lol

Her bossiness paid off though.

She used chocolate sprinkles so he'd have a face.

totally can't tell it fell, can ya?

They uncovered grass as they made snow angels. hahah.

Tristan is above in blue, Ryan is in red.

10 minutes hand holding to show how much you LOVE each other!! 

He don't mess around with them guns, got Tim square between the eyes after waiting 15 minutes for him, lol

He was on the phone and I made him stand next to the tree to give you an idea how tall it is. We used the ladder to keep it from going over again.

our front porch

we got out for new year's eve.

Dana may be a designer someday, if not she'll have this picture to look back at..

and Ryan posing.

I'll never be a teacher

Ryan and I had to do speech therapy at home tonight.  They sent home a list of words to use.  Each word has to be said 3 times.  He has issues with an s before an l, c, or any other letter for that matter.  His r's are more like l's.  We went through a ton of homework where he had to cut out 10 items, (from each page!!) color and paste them to the picture, all while saying the item's name, twice.  Frog.  Fish.  Sailboat. Ketchup.  Fries.  Flowers.  Vase.

After the 3rd picture, I was bored, and needed quick amusement.  One of the many pages sent home instructed me to use words that begin with F and say each one three times so that Ryan could listen to the word.

Tim immediately began coughing and I tried to be good.  (Of all people?  They chose YOU for the F words?)  But there were only 5 words on the speech therapy sheet so I made up my own and made him repeat them twice. 

fat
feel
feet 
foal
fast
fastest
far
farts
flatulence  (he needs help with the 'ch' sound)
figure
fish guts
feather
father
frakking (it's an environmental concern)
fissure

I'm sure I'll get a call at some point because he can't say his r's, but until then I'll have had a good giggle and the warm fuzzy knowledge that we worked hard and my 5 year old boy giggled.

Tootles!

Nerf Gun Battles and a little girl growing up

The kids each got a nerf gun and the battles have been long and huge.  Sometimes all 3 fight against each other, sometimes one of them sits it out and both Tim and I are involved but it all has the same ending: nerf darts in the tree that Lola will carry off downstairs and bat around when everybody is asleep.  She does have a pretty good advantage, she sleeps underneath the tree and ladder setup.  When I went to rearrange one of the ornaments at the top of the tree, I noticed about a dozen.  It was a good day for war that day, haha.

At one point Christmas Day, I was penned up in the laundry room reloading the nerf guns I had with the darts I'd picked up on the way, Tim came back to get bullets and a gun and told me to cover him while he charged the 3 second rush against the boys. Tim says my cover fire is good, not bad for Nerf guns.  The boys I think were just more excited that MOMMY was in on it, holy crap!! She's a grownup girl!  
 
In funny odd news of the same nature, the kids also got laser tag guns, you shoot them and after 10 shots you're forced to reset them.  There are 4 of those also but the nerf guns have been a bigger hit.  Not so for Ryan, he wears his laser gun faithfully while in the heat of a nerf battle.  I keep trying to explain to him that it's like taking a knife to a gun fight but he's 5 and doesn't get it. 

Dana, in the mean time, has been busy listening to my CDs and my MP3 player with her Hello Kitty stereo and Headphones.  The sounds of Pat Benatar, Stevie Nicks, Aretha Franklin and a few others make their way out of her room.  Sniff, they grow so fast!  My little sister unfortunately has a little girl who loves the song Barbie Girl.  If you've not heard, I highly recommend you check out the link I'm going to add to this blog.

This is what Cyrrus listens to:  Barbie Girl - Aqua Man
You can find it in German, too, lol.

This is what Dana listens to:  Stevie Nicks - Landslide
... and  : Aretha Franklin - Think

Start 'em up young.  Dana listens to her Piano playing CD also, and the boys are learning how to lock and load a nerf gun with a clip and to clear jammed nerf darts without putting themselves or others at risk.